My Kids Values are Different Than Mine – Should I Disown Them?

My husband and I were foolish enough to honor and celebrate our children’s ideas, curiosity, and varying opinions. It seemed like a great idea when they were young and their decisions didn’t really change much in the world. It did, however, make them confident in their ability to think critically, form their own opinions, and challenge their parents. Again, it seemed like a great idea at first, but now that they are young adults, what were we thinking? 

 

What we are now finding out is that our children have some different values than we do. They think differently about work, money, politics, and music. I can live with the music situation but the work, money, and politics? Ouch! That is harder to digest. All three of our children seem to be happy, kind, considerate, and surrounded by good friends who love and respect them. All of which is great to see and yet, why don’t they agree with their parents about other things? How did we go wrong???

 

I’m being somewhat sarcastic here, but not completely. We raised these kids. How is it that they don’t always agree with us? How is it that they have radically different opinions on some things compared to their parents when we were the ones who shared our beliefs with them since they were young children? Why didn’t we consider brainwashing them? Why did we think critical thinking and independence were so great? How is it that they know more than we do on certain topics and that they take pleasure in schooling us on how wrong we are? Again, what did we do wrong?

 Ironically enough, critical thinking is one of my top values. I promoted that value to my children, as did my husband. Fools. There’s a funny (or not) saying that goes, “You get the children you need, not necessarily the children you want.” Don’t tell my kids that I’m saying this but maybe, just maybe, they are the children that I need. If I’m going to spout independent critical thinking as a top value, but then not value it in the three people that I love most in the world, (My husband would be the fourth, by the way.) then is it really my value? 

 Is it possible that I could learn something from my children? Is it possible that I could sit back and observe them living their values, their priorities, and have faith that that’s the right journey for them? I know, that sounds ridiculous. Is it possible for me to see that they did pick up some of my values such as empathy, kindness, and compassion and have decided to focus those values in areas that I might not? Again, ridiculous, but just maybe a possibility. 

 Just over a year ago we had a family blow out on some middle east politics. We decided that this was a topic to take off the table since we were not in agreement on some of the aspects of the regional issues. I was shocked that my children felt differently than I did. It made me sad and frustrated. How could they not see my and their father’s points of view? Did I fail in how I raised them? Did I not shove my values down their throats so that they were little puppets who did and said exactly as their parents wanted? 

Apparently, we didn’t. So during that stressful time I had to sit back and really look at my children as not just part of me, but rather as their own adult selves. What I saw was three incredibly beautiful, wise, compassionate, well-read, and thoughtful humans. Exactly the qualities I wished for them when they were born. It turns out that what I wanted for them, they already have. I could see it as defiance against their parents or radical acceptance of the values that I hold dear, but look differently for me. So no, I won’t be disowning them. I’ll gaze at them with admiration, unconditional love, and periodic annoyance because they don’t always agree with me. 

Love,