Many of my clients tell me that they are tolerating situations and people in their lives that are not working very well. They have unhappy relationships that are toxic either at work or at home, situations that are draining them, and a feeling of dread around these situations. Yet when we talk about tolerating, the opposite of that is not tolerating, which often doesn’t feel right to my clients. Tolerating and not tolerating are a lot of work.
What else might be the opposite of tolerating? I think asserting is the opposite. Tolerating is a passive behavior. It’s putting up with things that don’t work for you. It’s not setting boundaries or limits, and it’s certainly not asserting ourselves. Tolerating something means devaluing ourselves in either the relationship, the situation, or both. Asserting means looking for the win/win and the respect for all involved.
Why do we tolerate? Well, we don’t think we are worthy of setting that limit or boundary. We are afraid that to do so will upset someone else. We put what that other person wants over what we want. It will cost us much more to tolerate, but it doesn’t feel that way in the moment. It’s easier to tolerate in the moment because we are putting off the tension that comes from worrying about how the other person might respond. It’s avoiding the possibility of conflict or an uncomfortable situation.
What does tolerating cost us? Freedom! It costs us energy that could be better spent in other areas of our lives. Tolerating a toxic relationship is draining and miserable. Tolerating a dysfunctional work environment takes a long-term toll on our happiness and well-being. Even small things that we tolerate can drain us: a leaky faucet or a flickering light.
So, what are you tolerating? How can you get assertive and stop tolerating? What do you need to tell yourself to know that you are worthy of a life that isn’t filled with toleration, but rather with healthy, mutually beneficial relationships and settings. You are worth it and it’s time for you to believe that.
Love,
Certified Professional Coach and Psychologist
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How often have you wished for that person in your life who listens deeply, doesn’t judge you, and doesn’t try to fix you? That person who holds space for you to talk through your struggles, your hopes, and dreams so that you can live the personal and professional life that you truly want? I’m that person. Yes, I’m a psychologist and a professional life and leadership coach but my superpower is listening, deep, empathic, compassionate listening. If you’ve been seeking a professional listener who will help you live the life you truly desire, let’s set up a time to talk. My email is Lisa@LisaKaplin.com.