The other day, I asked one of my clients if he would consider “dropping the rope” with his ex-wife. He’d never heard that saying before and it led to a great conversation around picking our battles. (I’m filled with metaphoric phrases these days.) Drop the rope means to let go of the argument or the situation even when, or especially when, someone is trying to upset or frustrate you.
When we drop the rope, we choose ourselves over a defensive or reactive response. We choose peace. We choose to walk away. It also leads to the other person not having the tension of the argument, so they have nothing to pull against. Thus, dropping the rope. You can’t play tug of war if the other side refuses to play.
Dropping the rope is a powerful way to handle tension at home and at work. You don’t have to engage in every fight or argument that you are invited to. It’s most beneficial to walk away when reacting will only make things worse. Ask yourself why you are feeling the need to hold onto the situation. Do you feel you have to defend yourself or react back so that you won’t seem too passive to the other person? Will it really change anything if you do that?
What is in your control in that situation? I can’t answer that. You are in control of you and absolutely nothing else. So, if your goal is to change how the other person is thinking, feeling, or acting, good luck with that. You can’t control it. So, you continuing to tug on that rope is only going to frustrate you more and change nothing in the situation.
Here’s the thing,,,when someone is tugging on a rope that you are attached to, it’s about them. It’s not about you. They are upset for some reason. Although they may try to blame you for it, they are ultimately responsible for their behavior. If you let go of the rope, you give them the opportunity to figure out what’s really bothering them and then to address it in the healthiest way possible, if they choose to do so.
Next time you are feeling the pull to stay in a conflictual discussion that’s going nowhere, or to stay in an argument that just keeps going in circles, consider dropping the rope and nicely walking away. Rather than coming up with snarky comments, you say, “This doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere, I’m going to walk away for now.” See how you feel. See how the other person responds. You don’t have to play tug of war if you don’t want to. You get to choose.
Love,
Certified Professional Coach and Psychologist
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How often have you wished for that person in your life who listens deeply, doesn’t judge you, and doesn’t try to fix you? That person who holds space for you to talk through your struggles, your hopes, and dreams so that you can live the personal and professional life that you truly want? I’m that person. Yes, I’m a psychologist and a professional life and leadership coach but my superpower is listening, deep, empathic, compassionate listening. If you’ve been seeking a professional listener who will help you live the life you truly desire, let’s set up a time to talk. My email is Lisa@LisaKaplin.com.