Recently I was stranded at the Cincinnati airport due to bad storms caused by yet, another hurricane. There were lots of frustrated, stranded people at the airport. Many of them with younger children. As I was doing yet another lap around the terminal, I heard a young child having a pretty substantial temper tantrum. Just as I was walking by this young boy I saw his mother grab him and spank him rather violently. I was appalled. I wanted to scream at her to stop hitting that poor child. I wanted to tell her what a horrible mother she was.
I’ve raised three children of my own. With no small amount of hubris, I’ve never hit my children. I’m glad that I didn’t and yet, I realize that I say so with a self-righteous tone. Spanking, or violence of any form, isn’t (as numerous studies over many years have shown) an effective form of parenting. As a psychologist, I saw the results of so many children and adults who had been raised with spanking, hitting, or other types of physical punishment. It doesn’t work and it’s dangerous and damaging to children and often those children into adulthood.
And yet, here’s what I realized that day at the airport as I saw this very young mother lose control of her child. As much as I disagree with how she’s treating her child, she is truly doing the best she can at that
moment. And my judgment of her doesn’t help her, me, or her child. This mother was on her own with three young children. The airport was chaos. Their flight was delayed, and her child was losing his damn mind. She reacted and she reacted in the only way she knew to in that moment. My judgment would change none of it.
Did I ever want to hit my children or at least scream at them in the moment? I did. I didn’t do it because I had learned how to do things differently. I had a large and helpful circle of support. I’m middle class so I could hire babysitters to give me a break from the stress of parenting. I have an education that has allowed me to have emotionally stimulating and financially abundant work. I have felt loved and cared for almost every day of my life. I’m confident and educated. I started life on third base which makes it a heck of a lot easier to stay calm and sadly, judge others.
What that young mother needed in the moment wasn’t me glaring at her with my judgmental face but rather my compassion, whether I had spoken it to her or not. I could have offered to help her in some way. I could have empathized with her by acknowledging how difficult parenting is. I didn’t do any of that and for that, I’m sorry. My judgment, if she even noticed it, would only make the situation so much worse for her. And as is so often the case, the lesson to be learned in that moment, was my own.
Although having judgment is relatively normal human behavior, it isn’t helpful behavior. Also, when we are in judgment of others, it allows us to look deeply at ourselves and to ask what’s going on for us
that is leading us to be in judgment. That awareness also allows me to respond differently next time I feel that judgment rising to the surface.
I’m sending that young, frazzled mother good vibes to help her with the hardest job on earth with the hope that others surround her with support and compassion which is what she needs to be a great mother.
Love,
Certified Professional Coach and Psychologist
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How often have you wished for that person in your life who listens deeply, doesn’t judge you, and doesn’t try to fix you? That person who holds space for you to talk through your struggles, your hopes, and dreams so that you can live the personal and professional life that you truly want? I’m that person. Yes, I’m a psychologist and a professional life and leadership coach but my superpower is listening, deep, empathic, compassionate listening. If you’ve been seeking a professional listener who will help you live the life you truly desire, let’s set up a time to talk. My email is Lisa@LisaKaplin.com.