Coaching and therapy are two unique helping modalities that are based on a confidential relationship between the client and the coach or therapist. It’s a crucial part of that relationship because without it . . . well without it, why bother? Having a safe place to say whatever’s on your mind is a true gift to both the client and their helping professional. Frequently, my clients say to me, “I’ve never told anyone this.” I’m grateful and honored that they feel so safe and comfortable telling me things. Often, when they tell me what they’ve never told anyone else, they expect me to be shocked at what they’ve told me. Rarely am I shocked.
Here’s some of the things that clients have shared with me. (All identifying information has been changed because . . . confidentiality.) “Sometimes I hate my kids.” “I’m thinking of cheating on my spouse.” “I take drugs and no one knows.” “I lie to people.” “I lie to myself.” “I think my partner is cheating on me, but I don’t want to ask because I’m scared of the truth.” “I wish my parent would die.” “My job sucks and I pretend that I like it.” “I’m really stupid even though I’m outwardly successful.” “I’m thinking of running away from my family because I literally can’t stand them.”
Why am I not shocked by these confessions? Because most of us, if not all of us, have felt or thought about these things at one time or another. Maybe we’ve done some of them. Maybe, just maybe, we are all humans and all that that entails. When my oldest was a toddler, I was with another mom with a similar aged child and she whispered in my ear, “Do you ever have bad feelings about your kid?” I literally laughed out loud and said, “Of course, who doesn’t?” Welcome to parenthood people! Especially parents of toddlers. They are a tough crowd. My friend was shocked and grateful that her feelings weren’t off base and that she wasn’t alone.
And herein lies my point. I’m grateful to hear people’s “I’ve never told anyone this” stories and yet, what if we shared those stories with our closest friends and loved ones? What if we found out that they’ve struggled similarly? What if we could hold space for each other to have scary thoughts and feelings and let those loved ones know that they are loved no matter what? What might change for us if we were open, fearless, and authentic with each other? Hopefully, I wouldn’t be out of a job, but I’m willing to risk it if it means that people connect more with each other.
Our country is suffering a loneliness epidemic. Loneliness affects every aspect of our being. Our physical and emotional health are dependent on not being lonely and having fun with safe connections with others. What if we started sharing some of our thoughts and feelings that are scary to us with others? What if we realized that we are all human beings with baggage, history, and concerns? Maybe we’d actually end that loneliness epidemic.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC