Perceiving Yourself with Compassion and Honesty

A common topic amongst my clients is how to receive feedback or nasty, negative comments. Most of them, and probably most of us, would admit to feeling reactive to negative feedback. Many of us get defensive, or our feelings get hurt and we get reactive, all of which is completely normal and yet, not very helpful. What I find frequently is that people internalize these comments and then view themselves through the negative lens of others.

Although listening to and processing any feedback is beneficial to our own growth and development, internalizing negative perceptions from others probably isn’t very helpful to most of us. If someone says that I’ve done poorly at work, I want to hear that, ask for more details, check in with myself and the person who gave me that feedback, and then decide what to do with that information. What I don’t want to do is to perceive myself through the other person’s eyes, especially if those eyes are particularly judgmental or cruel.

Self-improvement doesn't require internalizing others negative perceptions of who you are. #selfimprovement #selfesteem #negativity Click To Tweet

As children, we look into the eyes of our parents and other adults to assess how they perceive us. Then most of us, as children, internalize those perceptions. This made sense at the time, but it definitely doesn’t make sense now that you are an adult. We are not discerning as kids. We believe what people in authority tell us even if what they tell us is cruel and diminishing. Unfortunately, it seems that many of us still do this as adults. Thus, we are perceiving ourselves through the complicated, and sometimes false, view of others.

Stop the Negativity Doom Loop

So how do we stop this messy doom loop? First, we want to be aware of what we are internalizing or accepting from other’s judgments of us. Look for the helpful feedback from others, think carefully about it, and then decide if you want to utilize that feedback. If it isn’t helpful or if it’s not true, ask yourself what you want to do about that. Do you want to address the other person? Do you want to internalize your own, more beneficial perception and move on?

Either way, the key is to think clearly about what you are believing about yourself. Find your own truth and your own awareness about who you are and how you show up in the world. Be discerning, be truthful, and most of all, be kind.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC