As a life and leadership coach, I often hear lines such as, “Everything happens for a reason.” People say it to make themselves feel better and to try to make others feel better. I get that. Who knows, maybe it’s true. I’m not sure who we could ask to find out, but I’m willing to say that in some other life or space we might realize that everything does happen for a reason.

However, here’s what I know. Saying those words doesn’t actually help others to feel better. “Oh, you got a cancer diagnosis? Well, everything happens for a reason.” I’m pretty sure if I were on the receiving end of those words, I would not feel better. In fact, I could easily assume you thought I got a cancer diagnosis because I deserved it or needed it for some reason. And needless to say, that would feel almost as bad as that cancer diagnosis.

“You lost a loved one? Well, you know, everything happens for a reason.” Honestly, I can’t think of words that would hurt more than these. And again, I get your intention. Here’s the thing though. Maybe things do happen for a reason, but us pointing it out to others doesn’t help them. You know what helps them? Us listening to them. Us empathizing with them. Us holding space for them to feel whatever they want or need to feel.

Maybe down the road we can see that things happened for a reason. Maybe we learned something or something better happened or we changed our life in some positive way. These are all wonderful things, yet they don’t take away the pain of the initial incident. They don’t change the cancer diagnosis or the loss of a loved one. And maybe that “reason” seems like a decent one, but we’d give it back in a heartbeat to not have cancer or to not lose our loved one.

Believing that everything happens for a reason could be a belief that is truly helpful and powerful to you. Excellent! Rock on with that thought and yet, let’s not try to sell that thought to others when they are dealing with their own pain. Be present for someone. Bring them a meal, sit quietly with them, and most importantly, don’t try to talk them out of their pain. You can’t do that. It doesn’t work.

Everything does happen. Everything. We get to each decide for ourselves what meaning we want to put on all of those “everythings.” We don’t get to decide the meaning for others, even if our intent is to ease their pain. These are rough times, with lots of loss, fear, anxiety, and the challenge of not knowing what’s ahead. Maybe there is a reason for all of this and maybe we will each find that for ourselves. In the meantime, let’s keep those quotes to ourselves and instead shower those we love with exactly what they want and need when they are struggling.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC