Frequently, my clients come to me because they are upset about a certain situation in their work or personal lives. They are not getting that raise or praise they think they deserve. They are not getting the time or affection that they want from their partners. They feel that their needs are not getting met either personally or professionally. They feel as if they have no control over their lives and are essentially victims to how others are treating them. Although this may periodically be the case, almost always our own happiness resides only within ourselves.
What I often see my clients struggling with is clarity around what exactly it is that they want and how to clearly and directly ask for it. I often hear, “My boss knows I want that promotion.” Or “I shouldn’t need to ask for a raise when I’ve worked this hard.” Or, “My partner never tells me that they appreciate me.” Or even, “My kids totally take me for granted.” Here’s some shocking news…people can’t read your mind.
If you want something from someone in your life, the best way to go about getting that is to clearly and directly ask for what you want.
“Boss, I would like to be considered for that promotion. Here is why I’m the perfect fit for that job.”
“It’s time for annual reviews and I would like a 10% increase and here is why I believe I’m deserving of that.”
“Partner, it would mean a lot to me to hear you say that you really appreciate me, assuming that you do.”
Get comfortable asking for the recognition you deserve. If you're worth the raise or the promotion, then let others know it. #relationships #career #negotiation #appreciation Click To Tweet“Kids, I’d like you to thank me when I do something nice for you, and I’d like to hear how you want me to acknowledge you.”
If you are uncomfortable being this clear and this direct, ask yourself why. Are you afraid of the other person’s response? Are you afraid of being rejected? What’s the worst thing that can happen? If the other person says no, then you can decide what you want to do about that. If they say yes, woooot!! However, if you never ask, they will never know what you want so you will never get it.
Start today. Get clear on what you want and ask for it. Ask nicely, directly, and with a minimal number of words. After you ask, sit quietly and let the other person respond to your request. You can do this and you will be truly glad that you did.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC
Hi Lisa,
Are you able to advise/coach on insisting on what you need when you have already been told no?
Thanks,
Rebecca
Rebecca, this is a great question. Without knowing the details I would say that insisting is unlikely to work. I would ask some open ended questions (curiously) regarding why I was being told no. I would also tell this person why it would benefit them to give me what I was asking for. Will it benefit their bottom-line, how much work they have to do, etc.? WIIFM – what’s in it for me is what most people are looking for so you can help this person see what’s in it for them to give you what you want. Good luck!