“That pandemic was really awful, but it’s okay because I got some work done on my house.” “My job is really brutal, but it’s okay because some people have it worse.” “My stress levels are through the roof, but at least I don’t have cancer.” How often do we diminish our feelings with the word “but”? We do it to ourselves, we do it to loved ones, and we do it to people we work with. It’s a nasty habit of not fully allowing ourselves or others to have a wide variety of thoughts and feelings.

What if the pandemic was both really awful AND we got some work done on our house? What if both are actually true and that as humans, we can actually handle both of those feelings simultaneously? What if our job is brutal AND other people have rough jobs too? Why can’t both of those be accurate? What if our stress levels are through the roof AND we don’t have to compare that to anyone else’s medical or emotional struggles?

Saying “but” means you are about to tell me to not feel the way that I do. Or you are about to tell yourself that. “And” lets me know you are empathizing with my experience and there are nuances to that that you can address as well. “But” versus “and” is a relatively easy switch and one that will probably improve your relationships.

“You did a good job on this report, but there are some missing pieces” isn’t an awful thing to say. Yet when we change it to “and”, we don’t negate the first part of our statement. “You did a good job on this report and there are some pieces that I’d like you to add to it.” If you say to your child, “You are good at baseball, but you could be better.” All your child will hear is “You could be better.” Versus, “You are good at baseball and it’s going to be fun to watch you get even better over time.”

Try to switch “and” in for “but” and see what happens to your communication and how people respond to you. Let me know how you do.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC