How many of you were raised to not be too happy about things? How often were you told not to jinx something good by talking about it? “Look how great the weather is” was met by, “Don’t jinx it.” Or, “I have the best kids in the world” being met by, “Don’t say anything. You’ll ruin it.” Maybe you were taught to not get your hopes up or get too excited by things because you’ll be too disappointed if they don’t work out. I think our parents or adults in our lives meant well by these comments, but I’m also pretty sure they messed with our heads!
I ran smack dab into this when I was a young mother. When my oldest son was 4 ½ years old, I gave birth to his sister. My husband and I had had trouble getting pregnant with both of our children. (Apparently not so much with the joyful surprise of their younger brother.) When I finally became pregnant with our daughter, I was thrilled. When I gave birth to our healthy, wonderful daughter, life seemed to be just about perfect.
At the time, I was in a doctoral psychology program. I had excellent childcare and two wonderful healthy children. When my daughter was a few weeks old, I went to get her out of her crib to start our day. Her brother was downstairs playing and my husband was still sleeping. I picked my precious girl up and held her to me, feeling so grateful for all that I had. I was walking to the stairs thinking about how lucky and joyful I was right at that moment.
Seconds later, I slipped on the top stair and fell all the way to the bottom of the staircase. I was clutching my daughter the whole way until I hit my arm and she went flying down the stairs, headfirst onto the hard ceramic tile in our foyer. I screamed and for a minute my baby just laid there very still. All of a sudden she started to scream. My husband and my son came running and when I picked my daughter up there was a huge egg-shaped bruise forming on her head.
My husband grabbed her, I grabbed my son and we rushed to the nearest emergency room. My daughter screamed most of the way, which was actually soothing in that she was alive. My son was scared and quiet, and my husband and I didn’t say a word. We were rushed into the emergency room where they quickly took my daughter from me and brought her in for x-rays of her head. In the meantime, I was asked numerous times about what had happened with one doctor scolding me for not being more careful with my baby.
Fearing Loss Leads to Fearing Happiness
As my husband sat in the waiting room with our son, I sat in the ER room alone, with tears streaming down my face. I was chastising myself for being clumsy, but I was more angry at myself for “jinxing” my beautiful family. I started to tell myself that I shouldn’t have been so joyful and vocal with how lucky I was. I actually believed in that moment that I had brought bad luck on myself and my daughter by being so very happy.
Moments later, they brought my girl to me and told me that she was going to be fine. I was nearly hysterical at that point and the previously mentioned doctor put his hand on my shoulder and said, “It was an accident. She’s going to be fine.” We left the hospital shaken, but incredibly relieved that nothing worse had come of our fall. I hadn’t even noticed, but I was bruised and a bit beaten up from the fall as well.
No amount of denying happiness will diminish loss. Life is to be lived. Loss is inevitable and happiness should be embraced. #gratitude #happiness #fear #jinxing Click To TweetLater, I replayed the day’s events and realized that I had been ready to blame myself for being too happy, for being grateful, for loving my family too much. I was ready to never “jinx” anything again. It was silly superstition, but more than that it was literally removing the joy from my life because I was so afraid of losing that joy! Think about that. We are so scared to lose happiness and love that we try not to feel happiness and love. As if that will really keep us from pain or grief.
Never again have I tried to talk myself out of moments of gratitude or happiness. I can’t control what the future holds. It may hold pain, grief, and loss, and yet no amount of denying my happiness will diminish loss and no amount of loss should diminish our happiness in the moment. Life is to be lived. It’s to be experienced. Every feeling is part of this thing we call life. Don’t ruin the joy by trying not to jinx it.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC