Sometimes I notice that there seems to be a theme to the issues my clients are working on. It’s as if they have all talked to each other and present similar issues to me in our sessions for that week. What is also interesting is that often, I am working on the same things my clients are focused on. A few weeks ago, the word “dread” came up with a few of my clients. They were dreading a stressful week or a challenging conversation or facing something that they’d been avoiding for a while.
Dread was the outcome of another common theme. All of my clients are very nice and helpful and often overcommit. They are then overwhelmed and overscheduled. I also like to be nice and helpful. I like to be liked. What often happens for me and my clients is that we choose being liked over most other things and then we find ourselves with crazy schedules and no time for ourselves and what we want to accomplish.
Being Helpful Starts with Helping Yourself
Who would have thought that nice and helpful could lead to dreading our week? And yet how surprising is that really? Being kind and helpful without consideration for ourselves isn’t really all that kind or all that helpful. That week, I looked at my own calendar and saw a number of entries that were literally me putting kind and helpful to others over my own mental and physical health. So, of course, the one person I’m not being kind and helpful to is myself.
Learning to say no makes us kinder and more helpful to both ourselves and others. #stress #people-pleasing #overcommitment Click To TweetDreading one’s week doesn’t feel very good. Dread is a powerful word and an even more powerful feeling. I LOVE my work, and yet here I was dreading my week. The only person I could blame that on was me. Happily, I had a call with a dear friend and colleague and I told her about my dreadful situation. She said, “Good, now you’ll get serious about changing your calendar.” And she was right.
That day I changed my calendar policy to ask myself one question before I put anything on my calendar, “Is this activity simply you being kind and helpful to someone else, but not to yourself?” If the answer is yes, the answer I give to the other person is no. It’s hard for me to say no, and yet putting things on my calendar that are not good for me as well as the other person means it’s time for me to start saying no. I haven’t regretted it yet.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC
I am a giver. Whether it be monetary, physical assistance with projects, etc., I give it all, or I did. I have now limited my help to people who would reciprocate if needed, because there are people out there who would use you for whatever you are willing to give, and when needed they disappear. I would nave to say, this mostly speaks to family. This may sound tit for tat, but, now that I have set up this boundry, my anger level towards the users has greatly subsided. They still ask for what they need at the moment, and it takes practice to say “no”, but more than that I am not angry with myself anymore for feeling used…quite empowering.
I love this. Kudos to you for setting the boundaries and your huge awareness about your own anger toward others. Brilliant!