My children are now 27, 23, and 21-years old. Two of them have been living with my husband and me since the start of the pandemic. We’ve mostly had a really wonderful experience and have gotten to enjoy them as young adults versus young children. They have been part of the solution of running our home by doing most of the cooking and grocery shopping. We’ve had great conversations with them about politics and life. I will be forever grateful for this time with them.

I’m not completely sure that they would say the same thing. They’ve had to limit their social time with friends to almost nothing and they also have very limited alone time or space. Both of them have ventured out on solo driving trips to clear their heads and get some alone time. One of those trips led to one of the scariest days that I’ve had as a parent.

My youngest child decided to drive to Minnesota in November to do some solo hiking in the northern most area of the state. He’s a confident traveler, so we felt comfortable with him being smart and safe. On his last night in Minnesota, I realized that I hadn’t heard from him all day so I texted him and got no response. We all have “find my friend” on our cell phones, so I did some parental snooping and saw that his location was in the middle of the woods right by a lake and it was already past sunset.

My initial reaction was to panic, so I calmed myself down. Then I called his phone and there was no answer. I waited a bit longer, still calming myself down and sent the “proof of life” text. This text is a “must answer” text in our family and again, no answer. By now I’m trying to rationalize the situation and started to think that maybe he was at a cabin or campsite, and yet a Google Earth shot showed that his location appeared to be right near the lake in the middle of the woods.

More time went by and I was ready to call the Forest ranger’s office or the local police when I saw that his location was in motion. A few minutes later I got the text, “I’m okay. I’ll call you as soon as I can. It’s been a crazy day.” Later, I found out that during his afternoon walk, that had allowed him plenty of time to finish prior to sunset, he had fallen down a deep slope, landed in some shallow water, and was unable to get himself out of the area he had fallen into. It took him two hours to find a way out. By that time, it was nearly dark and he couldn’t find the trail. Although essentially uninjured, my son had wet feet, it was starting to snow and the temperature was in the low 20s.

Once he had realized that he couldn’t find the trail, he found a small clearing near an old camp site and was able to make a call to 911. He gave them his location and then he had almost no battery left in his phone. He sat in the freezing cold, middle of a dark forest, alone, and waited for a rescue team which came about 3 hours later. Thankfully, he was dressed appropriately for the weather, but his feet were freezing because they had gotten wet. He had food and water and was able to walk with the rescue team the four harrowing miles out of the forest and to his car.

Worrying Is Part of Letting Go

When he called us from his car he was calm and reassuring, but my emotions were a mess. I had trouble sleeping that night from thinking of all that could have gone wrong and wondering if we should have insisted that he not hike by himself. And yet, he is 21-years-old, and mostly responsible and prepared. When we asked him what he would do differently, hoping he would say, “Not hike alone”, he said, “extra socks, an extra phone charger, and a lighter.” I must admit that he handled the situation perfectly.

And therein lies the big parenting dilemma. Do we let them venture out into the world or do we keep them safe at home? Usually, I recommend letting them venture out, but this scenario shook me as a parent. What if he had broken his leg or couldn’t get cell service or any of the other hundreds of things that could have gone wrong? Many friends asked, “Why did you let him go?” and I typically responded with, “How could I not?” He’s an adult and although my mama heart prefers to have him home and safe, that’s not really what life is all about.

Our kids start separating from us the minute they are born. And that's the parenting dilemma: When should we keep them close and when should we let them go? #parenting #children #independence Click To Tweet

Our kids start separating from us the minute they are born. As parents, we get the terrifying challenge of finding the balance between giving them space and keeping them safe. It’s not easy. My kids have learned to tell me after the fact when they’ve done scary things. I think I prefer that, and yet it doesn’t stop my naturally worrying brain to think of what could have gone wrong.

I’m not sure that I have any grand answers for parents other than hold on tight. You are in for the ride of your life. Try to enjoy it. Try to have faith in your children and ultimately, trust that letting go a little at a time is absolutely the right thing to do. Oh yeah, and always make sure you remind them to bring an extra pair of socks.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC