Let’s be honest. For many of us, it can be a real challenge to set boundaries with others. We are not willing to set boundaries on our time, space, commitments, etc. I like people and I like when people like me. I’m a people pleaser from way back when and it’s a real challenge for me to say no and to set boundaries. Often, I’m uncomfortable with it. It’s easier to just say yes and suffer through. Not setting boundaries is easy. The end result of it isn’t always easy, but not having to say no is.

Yet, shouldn’t it be the other way around? Why is setting boundaries so difficult for so many of us? What are we really afraid of? For me, it’s often not feeling liked, or fear of not being seen as a team player or someone that others can count on. For some people, setting boundaries raises fears of being fired or divorced or left out. Those are scary consequences of setting boundaries. On the other hand, do we really want to stay somewhere or with someone who doesn’t give us the space to set boundaries? I don’t.

So how do we learn to set boundaries or limits that work for us? Practice. Practice helps us develop the courage we need and find our voice to say no. Here are some steps to try.

1. Be aware of why you want to set that limit. Make sure it’s not out of spite or anger, but rather from a place of opportunity for both you and the person you are setting the boundary with.
2. Be very clear about what that boundary is. Maybe it’s never working on weekends or past 5 p.m. or maybe it’s a clear limit as to how others may speak to you. Get very clear on that boundary so you can speak it with confidence.
3. Remind yourself that you are entitled to setting boundaries whether the other person likes them or not.
4. Practice saying the words and get comfortable saying them calmly and clearly.

When someone pushes back on your boundaries, and often people will, remain calm and repeat the boundary with out excuses or apologies. Did you internalize that part that I wrote about not apologizing? If not, go back and read it again. There is no need to apologize for setting appropriate limits in your life. When you assert yourself with the belief that you, and those around you, are worth those boundaries, you will say them with confidence.

Setting boundaries can be hard, but ultimately not setting them can be far worse.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC