Human beings can, and have, dealt with almost anything that comes their way. However, the situation that trips most of us up isn’t the situation itself, but rather the not knowing about that situation. The pandemic has left so many of us in the not knowing category. We don’t know when it will end. We don’t know when the economy will improve. We don’t know if there will be a vaccine and even if there is, how effective it might be. Many of us don’t know when we will go back to work or what work will look like when we do. And for so many of us, that is agony.
My daughter has been waiting to find out when she will start her post-college career. She has a job, but not a start date or where she will be expected to live. She is in a torturous (albeit privileged) holding pattern. My youngest son knows his college is virtual this fall but doesn’t know what next semester holds for him. He also waits. My oldest son is finishing a doctoral program with the hopes of working in academia. Currently, there are essentially no available positions open. He also waits.
My children are both lucky and privileged in that their waiting doesn’t consist of a lack of food, shelter, or safety. What must it be like for those waiting for loved ones to recover from this deadly virus? The agony of not knowing if those loved ones will have permanent health problems or will recover fully. How about the agony of not knowing if you will ever be able to reopen your small business or get back on your feet as the owner of a local restaurant? Not knowing is exhausting and draining, and something that gnaws at most of us throughout our lives.
If I could invent a pill to remove the agony of not knowing, I would do it in a heartbeat. If I could give a crystal ball to those who are struggling with not knowing, I would do that as well. I could say that things will all work out. They always do. And yet, is losing a loved one or a life’s career “working out”? Certainly not to those suffering such a loss. Life always moves on, but not always without loss and heartache. Saying, “Things always work out” may be true for many, but it lacks empathy and compassion for the profound losses that so many have suffered during this time.
Meet Agony with Compassion
What then do we do with the agony of not knowing? We give ourselves and others the compassion for that agony. We hear their frustration, their fears, their worries without judgment and we do the same for ourselves. Of course you are fearful. Things are terribly scary right now. Any of us might feel that way given the circumstances. Trying to talk people out of their agony is not only lacking in empathy, it’s lacking in the reality of human nature.
We can't talk people out of their agony by pointing out that others have it worse. Empathy and compassion go further than guilt in easing our collective pain. #COVID-19 #uncertainty #suffering #compassion Click To TweetWhen my daughter says, “I just want to know where I’m going to be living and when I’m going to start my adult life.” it would be easy for me to say, “You should feel lucky that you have a job at all!” Or I could say “It must be nice to have your problems when so many others are suffering.” Although these may be true statements, they don’t help my daughter and they don’t acknowledge how difficult it is to not know. When we say those same words to ourselves, we diminish our own struggles and our own experience.
Compassion for how we are each experiencing these challenging times can never be the wrong answer. Hearing the struggles of others and empathizing with those struggles may actually decrease their agony and our own agony of not knowing what the future holds. It can be agonizing to not know and it can be even more agonizing to not be heard. Any feelings you are experiencing right now are exactly right for you in this moment. You can choose to change these over time, if you’d like. In the meantime, give yourself some compassion for all the feelings. No feeling is wrong, ever.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC