Back to School: The College Years

My two younger children go back to college this week. Unlike when they were in grade school, I don’t look forward to this time. It’s not that I’m not happy that they are going to college, but rather my time with them seems so much more limited as they become adults. My oldest child is in graduate school. He is also headed back to school this week, though from his own apartment instead of his childhood home. All three of my children are not only adults in age, but also in behavior (mostly).

When they were younger, going back to school meant some well-needed peace and quiet in our home. I missed my kids, but knew that I’d see them in a few hours. Now, it’s weeks or even months before I get some time with them. As with every other parenting transition, this one comes with such mixed feelings. I miss my kids. I especially miss the adult version of them. They are lively, smart, and engaging adults who I like to hang out with. It was hard to picture these days when they were younger. Now the reality of that is such a wonderful surprise.

When in grade school, I would typically know most of what went on in their day. Now I’m mostly privy to overviews and a few details of what they deem important. It’s how it’s supposed to be, but not always how I want it. It certainly has given me more empathy for my own parents and how I fairly carelessly left the nest without much thought about how they felt. I’m grateful that they didn’t lay much guilt on me and I’m doing the same for my own children. On the other hand, maybe I wasn’t so enjoyable, so my parents weren’t so sad to see me go!

Generational Changes in the Parent-Child Relationship

Maybe my parents, like others in their generation, didn’t dwell much on the empty nest. Instead, they carried on with the business of their lives. I’ve worked hard to do that as well, with mixed success. Or maybe my generation put so much of our love and energy into our children that it’s inevitable that we feel more pain as they move into their own adulthoods. Whatever the reason, back to school is always a challenging few weeks for me. I adapt by mid-September and an empty house becomes the norm for me, my husband, and our dog.

For empty nesters, back to school time is full of mixed emotions—pride, joy, and sadness. #college #emptynest #parenting Click To Tweet

Each college drop off seems that much closer to having them out of our home more permanently. Although that’s what we ultimately want, it also hurts a bit. When our daughter left for her New York based internship this summer, my husband looked at me with the saddest eyes imaginable and said, “Will she ever really live with us again?” The answer seemed unbearable in the moment, but we both knew it was probably unlikely that she would for longer than a few weeks at a time.

So you parents of young children, enjoy those delicious back to school fall days when you get some time to yourself and a quiet home. Also enjoy the chaos that comes when your little ones get off the bus and elevate the noise and activity in your home after school. Those years go by so quickly and there may be a day in the near future when you truly miss them.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC