Happy Father’s Day to all of you dads out there. In my lifetime, the role of fathers seems to have changed dramatically. Although I had a very hands-on and involved father, my dad seemed to be more the exception than the rule when I was a child. Now it seems that fatherhood has evolved into a true partnership for many families. I see young dads out and about with their children in numbers that I have never seen before.
From my vantage point, this seems like a winning situation for all involved. It seems ridiculous now to think about a division of labor in which fathers left all of the parenting to mothers! It seems equally as ridiculous to put all of the burden of financial responsibility on fathers! Although some families choose that dynamic and it works for them, it certainly isn’t a realistic nor beneficial dynamic for most families.
My husband and I struggled to find our way regarding division of labor issues for many years. We both had our own ideas and expectations of ourselves and each other and often those ideas collided. We both were at fault for this in that we didn’t communicate our expectations nor our disappointments very well. With time and maturity, we’ve done a far better job of becoming both parenting and financial partners, though that is always a work in progress.
Unpacking Our Parenting Expectations
I would advise young couples, regardless of gender and sexuality, to have these challenging conversations long before you have children. What are your expectations of a committed relationship? What are your expectations around parenting, raising children, disciplining, limit setting, and division of labor. Often we enter a relationship with unconscious expectations that end up becoming both conscious and ugly at all the wrong times.
What assumptions around gender and parenting are we carrying into our relationships and how can we address them with each other in a loving and open manner? What does it mean to be a father and a man? What do women expect from fathers and men? I realized that I often handled all things children and then I would be frustrated with my husband for not being a good enough parenting partner. I didn’t realize I was doing so until I started traveling for work and finding that he did just fine on his own.
What assumptions around gender and parenting are we carrying into our relationships and how can we address them with each other in a loving and open manner? #parenting #FathersDay #fatherhood #relationships Click To TweetParenting can push all kinds of buttons if we aren’t aware of our thoughts and feelings around it. The word father, much like the word mother, can conjure up all kinds of reactions. Those reactions can severely damage a relationship if we aren’t conscious of them. Fathers are now facing a new era of fatherhood in which they can define both masculinity and parenting in any image that they would like.
So to all of you dads, enjoy this time of life to figure out what kind of man and father you want to be. You are on a wide-open frontier and you can make this amazing role in life into anything you want. Watching fatherhood evolve has been a joyful experience for me. I can’t wait to see what my sons’ generation of men do with this fabulous opportunity.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC