Why Do I Keep Doing the Same Thing Over and Over?

A common question that I hear from my clients is, “Why do I keep doing this over and over again? Why don’t I learn?” They become very frustrated with themselves and then tell themselves a story that sounds like this, “I shouldn’t ever make any mistakes. I should learn something and then do it perfectly. I’m such an idiot for having the same issues come up in my life.” Based on that story, my clients are then, understandably, miserable.

So why do we often make the same mistakes or get into the same patterns over and over again? It’s often because we’ve come up with a superficial response to change that pattern and haven’t dug down to the root of the issue. I hear people say all the time, “I’m just going to do that differently.” If it were just that easy, we all would have stopped eating sweets a long time ago!

The key to long-term behavioral change is to figure out where that behavior came from and what you are getting from that behavior. We continue to do things in the same way because there is some form of gain in doing so. It might not be a healthy or functional gain, but it still feels like a gain all the same. A toddler has frequent temper tantrums because they either get attention or some sort of reward from others when they stop. Adults do similar things and then they are angry at themselves for continuing the pattern.

How to Change Your Negative Patterns for Good

So the first thing to do in order to make long term change is to become aware of when you fall into old habits. Keep track of what’s going on in your environment when you keep doing the same things over and over and you will soon see a pattern. Then ask yourself, what am I saying to myself in these situations that leads me to behaving in the same ways that I always have? Finally, ask yourself, how can I disrupt these thoughts and bring in more helpful, new thought processes?

Want to change a negative behavior? The key to long-term change is to figure out where that behavior came from and what you are getting from that behavior. #change #self-improvement Click To Tweet

Once you understand your old mindset, you can choose to adopt a new mindset or thought process. You can retrain your brain to respond differently. It takes some repetition, but it will work. Let’s say you always grab some chocolate after you eat dinner. (Are you sensing a chocolate theme here?) You’re always full when you do so and then you don’t feel well afterwards. Maybe you’re realizing that you are saying to yourself, “I must have something sweet after dinner or my meal won’t feel complete.”

Now challenge that thought. How true is it that your meal isn’t complete? Where did you get the idea that a complete meal has to include something sweet? And how beneficial is that thinking? Replace the “I must have something sweet after dinner “ with some new, empowering language such as, “I am satisfied.” Then repeat, repeat, repeat. Teach your brain the new message by saying it to yourself or out loud over and over again until you believe it. 

You’ve just retrained your brain and broke a habit that wasn’t serving you. Where else can you use this model? What other habits or patterns have you adopted that aren’t benefiting you in some way? 

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC