This week a college scandal became top news when the FBI announced that a number of very wealthy families had bribed, lied, and cheated their children’s way into elite colleges. It isn’t news that rich people donate large sums of money to insure their children’s acceptance into college, and we probably shouldn’t be surprised that they sometimes also break the law to do so. However, these particular law-breaking instances were certainly more egregious than most of your run of the mill, entitled pay your way to the top examples. 

As disgusting as I found the whole fiasco and how unfair it all felt, what bothered me most was the message those parents sent to their children. Essentially, they were saying, “We have no faith in your ability to get into these schools on your own merit. We have no faith in your ability to recover if you don’t get in. And we have no faith in your ability to make your life successful at anything other than one of these elite schools.” 

How Creating the “Perfect” Life Undermines Our Children’s Futures

Just think about getting those messages from your parents? Devastating, right? For $500,000 those parents could have gotten their children some great tutoring or even life experiences to help them mature. They could have had faith in their ability to learn and grow into the right college for them. Instead they had their kids pretend to be athletes, had proctors change the scores on their college admissions tests, and most disgusting of all, had them pretend they had special needs. What must those young people have internalized about themselves based on their parent’s behavior?

These parents also showed their children they have no faith in their resiliency. So what if they didn’t get into the college of their choice? Many, many young people face that each year, and yet they go to the next school on their list and make a wonderful life for themselves. When we tell our children there is only one path to success and happiness we are telling them that we don’t believe in their ability to handle whatever challenges and disappointments come their way. We cripple them with self-doubt about their own internal strength. No college can give them that but the challenges in life and their ability to overcome those challenges sure can.

When we tell our children there is only one path to success and happiness we are telling them we don’t believe in their ability to handle life's challenges and disappointments. #parenting #college #cheating Click To Tweet

And finally, what are those parents telling their children (and the rest of the world) when their behavior suggests that anything other than certain elite schools is essentially failure? So many of us who didn’t attend “elite” schools know this to be completely false based on the success we have found in our own lives. Telling our children they can’t make a wonderful life for themselves without a certain education is having no faith in them at all. 

I’ll watch closely to see how these alleged law-breaking families move forward. Will they take ownership for their behavior? Will they make restitution for the damage they’ve caused? Will they apologize and teach their kids the lesson of humiliation and reestablishing one’s own reputation with honesty and kindness? Will they tell their children they have faith in their family’s ability to withstand the pain of their own circumstances, that they believe they can grow as people by facing those consequences? I hope so.

A great deal of time and money was spent by these wealthy famous parents, time and money that proved how little faith they had in their own children. Ironically enough, faith in your children is both free and priceless, and it will carry your children through far more than a fancy college degree. 

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC