My oldest son is getting married this year. I asked him and his fiancée what types of gifts they planned to put on their wedding registry. They both agreed that there was very little in the way of material items that they wanted or needed. It seems this younger generation of married couples is wiser than my generation and sees no point in china, crystal, or silver. A bunch of vases? Not interested.
This led me to thinking about what, besides money, would have been a really valuable wedding gift. I decided that it would have been good relationship advice. I’m not sure my husband and I would have even bothered listening, but maybe we would have put said advice away and pulled it out when things got rough in our relationship. Anyway, I decided to crowdsource relationship advice from my friends on social media. Needless to say, it was an interesting undertaking!
My question was, “What advice would you give a young couple about to get married?” I received about 150 comments. A handful of people said, “Don’t.” Almost all of the respondents mentioned some form of communication. “Talk about little things that may bother you. If you do, you may find a compromise or at least increase awareness and communication. If you don’t, you may find that something seemingly small may make you homicidal under stress. Take your marriage seriously, but don’t take everything too seriously.” I found the comment “homicidal under stress” to be one of the wisest of the responses.
The recommendation of pre-marital coaching or therapy was also mentioned numerous times. “Early intervention can save years of dysfunction.” “If you are willing to commit to legal bondage, then be willing to get help to stay there when you hit major bumps. Therapy, counseling, learning conscious communication, learning to be willing to allow your partner to lose their shit without being totally derailed yourself, etc. Marriage is not an end, it’s a beginning. It’s not Disney, it’s epic.” “No question…Gift yourselves a 6 month package with a relationship coach before you send out the Save The Date.”
(Shameless plug: I do relationship coaching!)
Pro Tip: Maintain Your Identity While Working on Your Goals as a Couple
Another common theme was to develop your own life outside of your relationship. “Love yourself completely before you commit to love someone else. It’s impossible to give what you don’t have.” “Make sure that, while you combine a lot of things, that you each have your own social life, friends, and bank account/charge cards.” “Explore who you are as individuals, be able to voice your needs, and get specific about why you are in a relationship and what your agreements and commitments are to each other.” “You can’t give up your individuality in a relationship…because that is what made you fall in love with them.”
There were plenty of recommendations to be kind, polite, grateful, and affectionate. Patience was, not surprisingly, recommended numerous times. Many people recommended continued dating after marriage, with your spouse, of course. Many people warned that a marriage looks very different after children are born or a major illness is faced. Re-establishing communication and difficult discussions was recommended as a major step to overcoming stressful hurdles. Laughter came up more than once as the antidote to almost any relationship issues and I couldn’t agree more.
Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Before saying I do, take some advice from those who've made it to the finish line. #relationships #marriage #advice Click To TweetA number of people recommended that “You. Can’t. FIX. Someone. Else. And yes, they wrote it just that way. There were mixed reviews on going to bed angry. Some said they couldn’t sleep if things weren’t worked out and others recommended a good night sleep to calm things down. I personally vote for the good night sleep. Everything always looks better in the morning.
I found this to be really unique and wise advice: “Create a North Star document together which can be updated daily, weekly, monthly, or annually as you move through life together. A list of what you want your life to be as a couple and as a family. Include concepts of communication, sex, finances, and family, or whatever else is important to you both. If, at any point, there is a disagreement on a behavior or decision by either party, refer to this North Star document. If that behavior or decision doesn’t align with that North Star document, then be responsible enough to modify your behavior or decision so that it does.”
I’m going to share all of this wonderful advice with my son and his fiancée. Maybe some of you would like to share it with others who are entering into committed love relationships. I love the idea of registering for relationship coaching or therapy or even for some free advice from wedding attendees. China and crystal break, silver tarnishes, but good advice can be used again and again throughout the years. What advice would you add?
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC