Part of my work as a professional coach includes working with couples around their relationship. I love the work in that it’s lively, challenging, and often very satisfying. My job isn’t to keep couples together, but rather to help them communicate and function more amicably regardless of their marital or relationship status. As anyone who has ever been in a love relationship knows, no one can push your buttons more than your significant other. It’s quite the challenge to help clients become aware of that and manage themselves when their buttons are pushed.

Recently, one of my couples were arguing about behaviors that they wanted to see from the other person. I had just asked the wife what she really wanted from her husband. She was quiet for a minute or so until she said, “Honestly, I want my husband to be different.” I laughed out loud at the honesty of her answer and could certainly relate in that I’ve had similar feelings for my husband. The three of us had a good laugh about her response, but it also gave us a great opportunity to talk about what we can and can’t change about our partner.

Choosing Acceptance Over Change

I asked this wife how it would it feel to accept her husband exactly as he is. And with her usual openness she said, “Not that great because I want him to be different.” Herein lies the hardest part about relationships. We can either hold on to the hope and desire that our partner will change or we can accept them exactly as they are and change how we look at them. Hoping and trying to change your partner is a recipe for misery for both of you. 

Maybe your partner will change to make you happy, but they won’t be happy because they will feel forced or coerced into it. Or maybe they will stubbornly not change just to piss you off and then you both will be unhappy. Either way, you both suffer. Ultimately, we only have two choices with our partners. The first is to stay and accept them just as they are and the second is to leave. Staying and complaining is a choice, but it’s a really rotten one. 

So my clients both spent time mulling over the concept and the behavior of fully accepting each other. They’ve decided to give it a try and instead of wanting to change the other one, they’ve really looked at themselves and why they react the way they do toward each other. They’ve grown both closer and more honest with each other, though the process has been a challenging one. Ask yourself what full acceptance of those around you might look and feel like. What would you do with all of that extra time that won’t be spent on trying to change each other?

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC