Most of us hit a time in our lives in which we are completely overwhelmed, dreading some version of our work or personal lives. We are overcommitted, burnt out, and resentful of either others, ourselves, or the situation at hand. Almost always, we can figure out that the root of the problem is our own lack of boundary setting.

Every successful and happy person I know is an absolute star at setting boundaries. They know exactly what they want, what they are willing or able to do, and how to say no when they want to set those boundaries. They are non-apologetic for those limits and they are happy and more productive because of it. For myself, every time I get overwhelmed or overscheduled, it all boils down to my lack of boundary setting. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone on that one.

So why is it so hard for most of us to set boundaries? First of all, we aren’t clear on our values. If you know exactly what and who is most important in your life, it’s actually easy to set boundaries. If you are unclear on what and who is most important, boundaries get confusing. So, the first step in boundary setting is getting super clear about your values. Make sure they are conscious-based versus fear- based values. Fear-based values are those that we do because we are afraid of the consequences if we don’t. Conscious-based values mean that we are aware and clear on the values that we have chosen.

The second challenge of boundary setting is our fear or worry that we will hurt or disappoint someone if we say no. Most of us are people pleasers. We like to do things for other people. We like to say yes at work and in our personal lives. Saying no can be scary and uncomfortable. But here’s the thing, if you say yes to things that you don’t really want to do, you are likely to be resentful and not show up productive for the thing that you said yes to. Setting the boundary might bother someone initially, but if they realize that your intentions are good, you will be unlikely to have a problem with the relationship. If, however, you say yes and show up in a negative way, you have now damaged the relationship. Is it really worth it?

A year or so ago, I realized that I wasn’t setting limits in either my personal or my professional life. I really wasn’t happy, working at my best levels, or showing up in a way that felt good to me. I knew it was time for some clear limits and boundary setting. Saying no is really difficult for me, so I started saying, “Let me get back to you on that.” I bought myself time so that I could be sure that I wasn’t saying yes to something that I would regret later. It was the perfect way to start my boundary setting journey and I’ve been improving on it ever since.

I strongly recommend that you give it a go! Keep me posted on how you do.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC