A fun and interesting component of my work is to go to different companies and talk to their employees about diversity, inclusion, and sexual harassment. Diversity talks are typically lively and interesting as we talk about different cultures, respect, and learning more about each other. Sexual harassment is a far more difficult conversation, albeit an obviously necessary one.

Recently, I went to a company to give a version of this type of diversity conversation. I won’t name this company in that they were doing their absolute best to honor and educate all employees by having this discussion. As the employees entered the training room, I gave them some handouts and a name card for them to fill out and place at their seat. One young man wrote John Holmes on his name card, sat down, crossed his arms and started making sarcastic comments about having to attend a seminar such as this.

I started the talk and was met almost instantly with resistance and a somewhat disrespectful attitude from this man. He asked questions such as, “What if someone is trying to get us fired, so they tell people we are harassing them?” “This is stupid. Why do we even need to talk about this?” He was often talking to his co-workers while I was talking and was generally unpleasant to have in the room. About half way through the talk, a male human resources (HR) representative came into the room and the disrespectful man got a tad bit quieter.

After the talk, I noticed the HR representative looking at his attendance sheet and the nametag of said class member. He asked me about the behavior of this man. We talked a bit about how he was both rude and disruptive during the class. I then left the building for a few hours in between my seminars. When I returned, the HR representative was waiting for me with an uncomfortable look on his face.

He said, “I’m so embarrassed and sorry to tell you this. That man’s name was not John Holmes. John Holmes is a famous porn star.” I just stared for a minute at this kind man and the news he was giving me. I responded, “So you are telling me that this employee came to a sexual harassment seminar and tried to harass me by writing a porn star’s name on his name card?” “Yes, that is correct and we are going to have a conversation with this person as soon as possible,” said shamefully by the HR representative.

Admittedly, I laughed at first yet later I thought about the outrageousness of this man and his behavior. He so disrespected his company, their intentions, and me that he blatantly tried to harass me in front of a room full of his co-workers. Not one of his co-workers, by the way, called him out on that nametag. Not one of them said how disrespectful and inappropriate his behavior was. Although harassment is never funny, I probably had the last laugh by not even realizing that the name he used was that of a porn star.

The Outrageous Banality of Harassment

Outrageous? Probably. Unusual? Almost any woman will tell you, not at all. A week after this incident, a bishop inappropriately touched Ariana Grande at Aretha Franklin’s funeral. The bishop’s response, “I’m just too friendly.” The man who disrespected me’s response, “I was just joking. I’m sarcastic and people know that. Don’t take it so seriously.” This is what harassment looks and feels like. It’s ugly, it’s outrageous and it happens to women, and some men, every single day.

I try to use this blog to inspire, to teach, to share, and to grow. If this one seems to feel a bit negative and a bit bitter, that would be true. I was harassed in the work place as far back as my very first job when my boss told me to wear shorter skirts. Thirty-plus years later and things haven’t improved much.

So here’s my request to each of you: Speak up when you see or experience harassment. I wish I had realized that the man in that seminar was intentionally harassing me. I would have called him out in front of his peers. I wish someone had walked up and told the bishop who was fondling Ariana Grande to keep his hands to himself. I’m glad he was called out after the fact at least. Sexual harassment isn’t funny, it isn’t “just a joke” or being “too friendly.” It’s miserable and uncomfortable for those of us who have been the victim of it. It’s time for it to stop.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC