Is Kindness Dead?

Lately, I’ve been getting quite a few requests to talk to work teams, corporations, and even individuals around the topic of inclusion and kindness. The stories about the lack of kindness are often rather shocking. Not being kind to the people that we work with seems like a bad idea. We have to see these people every day and we need to work well together in order to be productive and creative. Not to mention that it’s very miserable to not get along with people whom you see daily.

I’ve heard a number of theories around why kindness seems to be dead… a mad tweeting president, the internet, the generations all in the same work force, etc. All of these theories are possible, even likely, yet they preclude the most important theory of why unkindness is occurring. We ARE being unkind. Each of us is responsible for our own behavior. Even if the president is name-calling and tweeting hate filled messages daily, that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for you to do so.

Sometimes in the moment, being snarky or rude is kind of fun. It can feel good to make a nasty comment or give a dirty look. However, think about how you feel about yourself in the long run. Do you ever look back at times in your life and wish you had been more patient or kinder? I do. I’ve never regretted being kind, but I’ve certainly regretted times in which I’ve been snotty or sarcastic. That’s neither who I want to be nor how I want to show up.

The Art of Being Kind

Kindness requires insight into ourselves, not the other person. Kindness needn’t be dependent on the behavior of others, but rather on our own desire to do so. Sometimes all it takes to be kind is a few seconds of a pause that keeps us from speaking or hitting send before we think about our words. This doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone, but rather choosing to disagree with decency or choosing not to disagree.

Being rude is actually the easy way out. It’s reactive and simple. No thought or emotional regard necessary. Kindness, on the other hand, means that we have to slow down, think about how we want to treat others, and then carefully choose our response. This is challenging. Emotions get in the way and strong values and belief systems trigger strong responses. That’s understandable, but it doesn’t preclude kindness. In fact, think about how different our world would be if we learned to listen, slow down, and respond with kindness.

I’ve heard many clients say, “Why should I be kind to him when he (or she) is such a jerk to me?” I always ask, “What will make you feel better about yourself at the end of the day?” Every client ultimately says, “Being a kind, good person feels better to me.” And there it is. Kindness is nice for the people in our lives, but in the long run it is how we feel about ourselves that matters most. Whenever I have been unkind to others, it has been about me, not them. When I feel good about myself, kindness is simple. When I don’t, unkindness is pretty darn easy.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC