Wedded Bliss?

This month marks twenty-seven years of marriage for me and my groom. It’s been a helluva ride. I’m sure there are cliff drops ahead, but I like to do a little relationship analysis every year. Here are a few epiphanies I’ve had this year.

You can’t force change.

It turns out that my husband changed more when I accepted him exactly as he is, versus me nagging him to change. I’m sure most of you are thinking, “And she’s a psychologist?” I am but that little bit of wisdom either wasn’t covered in grad school or was ignored by me. Acceptance by both of us has led to more growth than our marriage has ever seen. Who knew?

Most of the marriage advice we got was total crap.

“Never go to bed mad.” If we had followed that, we’d still be awake. Sometimes we went to bed mad and woke up mad and we still figured it out. Trying to solve problems when you are sleep deprived is a bad idea.

“Always look good for each other.” I’m pretty sure that I was a stone cold fox while in my tenth hour of labor, legs spread, screaming for drugs. Who wouldn’t be turned on by that? My husband was equally as sexy that time he had the stomach flu. “Come here baby and give me a kiss.” This is just dreadful advice. Being married means loving each other at our least attractive and least lovable times. It’s easy to love the young, hot versions of ourselves, but that’s not real life. It is okay, however, to periodically burn your spouse’s favorite old bath robe. Trust me on that one.

Relationships change.

Your relationship won’t last if you don’t change together or at least celebrate each other’s changes. Trying to stay the same is doomed to failure. Talk about the changes, decide how to handle them, and then move forward. It’s the only way to go.

I’m looking forward to more epiphanies as we become empty nesters, deal with our families, and our own aging process. Marriage isn’t for the faint of heart, but for many of us, it’s worth the challenge.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC