Losing My Voice

Losing my voice caught me off guard in that I thought I’d had it all figured out. My voice was strong, my confidence high, my place in the world solid and strong. Then all of a sudden it was gone; my voice, my confidence, my ability to stay strong even in the face of disapproval or disagreement from others. How did this happen again? How is it that every few years or so I lose my hard earned voice?

I can’t tell you exactly what triggered it this time. Ultimately, it is the need to please, to have people like me, to be a good girl and not make waves that are at the bottom of this. I’m a people pleaser from way back when and when I think that others aren’t happy with me, it triggers panic and fear. I’ve learned how to manage it over the years, but periodically, when I let my guard down, it creeps back in.

The doom loop ends with my physical and emotional exhaustion.

It leads to a vicious doom loop of insecurity and unhappiness. “Maybe I shouldn’t speak my mind on social media.” “Maybe I should be more neutral in my newsletters and blogs.” “Maybe I can find a way to make everyone happy through my words and behavior.” The doom loop ends with my physical and emotional exhaustion and with the thought that I should just give up on my work, on my writing, and on my speaking gigs.

The good news is that I catch it earlier now than ever before. I do what I need to do to get my confidence back. The bad news (or maybe it’s just the reality) is that it still plagues me. Maybe it’s ultimately the greatest life lesson that I have to learn. When I lose my voice and when I seek only to please others, I’m miserable. Maybe, just maybe, it’s what will make my voice stronger and more confident in the long run.

I spiraled down into some pretty nasty nonsense.

So I caught it today. I woke up and I had an email through my website that told me one person (yes, one!) had asked to be removed from my newsletter list. My initial reaction was a knot in my stomach, a tightening in my chest, and a litany of nasty comments in my head. “Maybe she didn’t like what I said about something. Maybe I send out too many emails. Maybe she hated my new video series. Or maybe I shouldn’t do this work.” I think you get the idea; I spiraled down into some pretty nasty nonsense.

Here’s the truth: Maybe this one woman didn’t like me, my emails or my videos. Or maybe she just didn’t want stuff in her inbox anymore. Either way, it’s okay. I’m not right for everybody and not everyone will like me, like my writing or like my opinions. That’s okay. The people who need me will find me and the people who don’t will walk away. That really is all right!

I can’t please everyone. I can’t make everyone like me. I can’t prevent people from having negative feelings or reactions to me at all times. What I can do, is be true to myself, my own beliefs, my own passions, and my own way of connecting to people. I can raise my voice with kindness and compassion, but also with opinions and with limit setting. I can know that when I do so authentically and honestly, all of the right people show up and all of my work is for the right reasons. My purpose in life is clear and strong and confident. It’s good to have my voice back!

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC