Are you playing the same negative recording around in your head?

As we move through childhood and from young adulthood and beyond, many of us seem to playing a recording in our heads that is the single biggest reason that we don’t become powerful leaders of our own lives.  What is the recording?  It’s a negative story that we picked up in childhood that might have been productive as children but certainly isn’t beneficial as we become adults.

Lets say that you had parents who fought quite a bit and you became the peacemaker in your family.  You would pull attention from your parents, make peace at all costs and hold that role in your family.  Although not necessarily healthy, that role was certainly a functional one for you and possibly beneficial for your family.  Now lets say you have hit adulthood carrying around the internal message that says, “I need to keep peace wherever I go, that is my job.”  How exhausting would that be for your life?

Holding on to your old story is a bad idea for your happiness.

That’s where the problems come in, when we bring an old story or message into adulthood that really isn’t helpful or beneficial to us.  Some examples are, “I’m not important, I must put others first.”  “I’m not good enough so I’ll be lucky to be with anyone, even someone who treats me poorly.”  “I don’t deserve happiness so this all I deserve.”  “I can’t trust anyone.  All people are bad.”  There are lots of variations on this theme but the bottom line remains the same, holding on to this old message is a bad idea for your happiness.

So what should you do?  First, start listening to the things that you are saying to yourself.  Keep notes of your thoughts and mindset and you will quickly see a pattern regarding the story you are telling yourself.  Then ask yourself how that story might be causing you problems or holding you back.  Finally, you need to come up with a new story, one that is more reflective of the life you want to lead.

Practice your new story to make it your reality.

You need to start practicing saying the new story to yourself again and again and again.  Your brain is used to the old story so it holds on to it like glue.  You need to retrain your brain with a new story even if you don’t believe it at first.  You might say to yourself, “I deserve happiness.” Or “I don’t need to fix this or even get involved.”  Think of the new story, write it down, and then repeat it daily to yourself and out loud if possible.  One day you will find that you’ve let the old message go and the new one has become your reality.

If you find yourself falling back to your old patterns, it means you have picked up the old story again.  Time for some brain training!  Don’t give up.  Changing our old stories is hard work in that we’ve held those stories for a very long time and we are comfortable in them even if they aren’t good for us.  Start today in identifying and changing yours.  You won’t believe how much better and stronger you will feel when you do so.  Contagious confidence is yours when you drop the old miserable story and adopt the new joyful one.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC