So many women tell me that they feel as if they are just puppets on a string in their own lives. They do things for others, they react to what others want, and they lose track of themselves. They don’t address their own needs and wants and thus end up feeling insecure, unhappy, and without motivation. I get it. I’ve been there myself. I understand how it happens but I also know how to get out of it and get to a place where you are in charge of your own life. Here’s the 1st of seven secrets to contagious confidence and true-life leadership.
Harnessing your internal strength; 2 types of crud to get rid of
I can hear you saying, “But that’s the problem, I don’t have internal strength.” We all have internal strength but we have to clear out the crud to actually get to it. What’s the crud? There are two types of crud that zap your internal strength.
The first is feeling sorry for yourself.
It’s normal, it’s relatively natural but it’s really not helpful. Allow yourself a moment to recognize that you are feeling sorry for yourself and then ask yourself this question, “How is feeling sorry for myself going to help me?”
Then take that question to the next level, “How can I pull myself out of this space? What can I control in this situation? If I can’t control something (or someone), how can I change how I’m looking at it?” Keep reminding yourself that self-pity will NEVER change your situation. You can’t lead your life from that space – ever. You need to own the situation, your role in it, and how you can change it or change your perspective of it. Don’t give up on this. Keep fighting your way through it until you no longer feel sorry for yourself. If you can’t do it on your own, get help!
The second type of emotional crud that keeps you from feeling and being strong is anger.
Although anger is a perfectly natural human reaction it is actually a secondary emotion. That means that anger comes from another feeling such as shame, sadness, fear, etc. Holding onto anger without digging to its source and ultimately changing it is a recipe for misery. You cannot be assertive, powerful, and the leader of your own life if you are stuck in anger.
Stop and ask yourself where is this emotion coming from? Is it possible that you are embarrassed, ashamed, afraid, tired, or some combination thereof? Weed it out in order to reduce or relieve that anger. Anger often leads to bad behavior that then often leads to regret or remorse. Get yourself out of that space before it gets too comfortable for you! Who wants to live their life in anger?
Once you get a handle on feeling sorry for yourself and anger as a secondary emotion, you can begin the process of owning and utilizing your internal strength. It’s there; you just have to find it. When you aren’t angry, you can listen to others but more importantly listen to yourself. Confidence arrives at your door when self-pity walks out. Kick it out now and start finding contagious confidence!
Stay tuned for 6 more secrets to leadership of your life.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC