The title of this post is a quote from the book, The Island of Sea Women, by Lisa See. The book was historical fiction about the female divers of Jeju Island. I strongly recommend this beautiful book and it’s powerful story of female friendship, unthinkable loss, and the strength of women who unite. This quote, however, was what kicked me in the gut while reading the book. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and what it could mean to so many of us who get stuck in resentment and anger about the past.

In the book, one friend feels horribly betrayed by the other friend, and from an outsider’s view, rightly so. Yet as the story unfolds, so do the nuances of why each friend behaved the way they did. There was so much more to the story than that one moment in time that led to the end of their friendship. How often is this the case for so many of us? We see someone behaving in a certain way and we instantly form a judgment about them. Then we act on or behave toward that person based on our original judgment.

How often do we just react to what we see and hear in the moment, without really seeking to understand the whole picture or the whole story? #forgiveness #compassion #empathy #understanding Click To Tweet

Responding with Compassion Instead of Judgment

Recently, I watched a young woman at the airport who was making a terrible scene. She was screaming and yelling at the airline employees, making threats, throwing her phone, and calling those employees names. I was instantly disgusted by her behavior and, like many others around me, began to record her with my cell phone. I felt my anger rising as her behavior became more and more outrageous and I thought about posting the video of her on my social media. I only understood and reacted to what I was seeing without really understanding the whole picture.

Right at that moment, a man standing near me leaned over and said, “She was in the bar and drank so much that they asked her to leave. She was really a mess.” Also at that moment I heard this young women speaking to her mom on the phone and saying, “Mom, I didn’t mean to do this again. I fell asleep. It’s not my fault. I’m sorry.” She said this through angry tears and loud emotional words. It didn’t take a psychologist, although I am one, to suddenly realize that this young woman has a serious problem. 

She was either mentally ill or struggling with a substance abuse issue or both, but either way there was far more about her to understand than just her behavior in that moment. I started to think about how painful it must be for her parents to receive these phone calls and to see their daughter struggle in such a public and often embarrassing way. Suddenly, I felt compassion for this person. Mental illness is so difficult, and addiction equally so. No one wants to show up the way she did. How painful must it be for her to feel, and thus act, the way that she did? 

Clearly, the women at the airline counter understood what was going on because they didn’t for one second take her behavior personally. They remained kind and patient through the whole ordeal. To understand was to forgive and that’s what they did. The power in their compassion was not lost on so many of us who were observing the chaos.

How often do we just react to what we see and hear in the moment, without really seeking to understand the whole picture or the whole story? How often do we judge ourselves and others without really seeing the whole picture? How different would life be if we sought to understand everything and ultimately forgive? Not necessarily forget, not necessarily stay in some relationships, but rather to release anger and resentment that are only harmful to ourselves?

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC