Love Because of Who They Are, Not Despite Their “Flaws”

My brilliant daughter said something to me the other day that shook me a bit. She said, “We all just want to be loved because of who we are and not despite who we are.” How often have we said about our kids, “They drive me crazy, but I love them anyway.” Or about our partner, “He’s got his issues, but I still love him.” Or maybe even about ourselves, “I have lots of flaws, but I’m still a good, loveable person.” All of these comments are still suggesting that something is wrong or flawed with the other person (or ourselves) and we will essentially overlook those flaws and love them anyway.

And you know what? That doesn’t feel so great. What if we radically accepted and loved each other exactly because of who we are? What if this was exactly how we loved our children, our partners, our parents, and our friends? What if we radically loved and accepted ourselves because of who we are? I’m not suggesting that we don’t seek to learn and grow, but rather we seek that from a place of absolute love and acceptance versus judgment and criticism.

When we say to each other, “I’ll love you despite that,” we are saying something is wrong with you, but I’ll love you anyway. Again, I’m not saying that we don’t ask for behavioral changes from others or that we must spend time with people who don’t share our values or who we just don’t care to spend time with. Rather, I’m suggesting that we seek to love those around us because of their unique qualities, behaviors, and personalities.

What if we radically loved and accepted each other because of who we are and not despite presumed flaws? #love #acceptance #selfacceptance #forgiveness Click To Tweet

Maybe you have a child who behaves in ways that you don’t like or you don’t feel comfortable with and you say to them, “I love you even though you aren’t behaving very well.” That probably doesn’t feel so great to your child. What if instead you asked them to change their behavior (assuming it was necessary to do so) and didn’t tie your love to them based on that behavior at all? You might say, “I love you. I love everything about you.” And you just left it at that. How amazing would it feel as a child to be loved so fully and so unconditionally and so without judgment? How amazing would it be to be loved that way as an adult?

I’m pretty sure loving people this way is going to take some practice, and I’m pretty sure the best place to start that practice is by loving ourselves that way. Let me know how you do.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC