The guilt/shame doom loop; are you stuck in it?
Every few months or so I realize that although my clients come to me to talk about a lot of different issues, at the heart of our talks is a common issue that they are all struggling with.
Guilt / Shame / Doom
The big one that I’m noticing right now is what I’m calling the guilt/shame doom loop. Here’s what it looks like, “I over eat, I feel guilty and then I’m terribly ashamed of myself so I end up eating even more.” “I got stressed, yelled at my kids, felt like crap, beat on myself and then yelled at my kids again.” “I know I should be promoting my business but I feel so guilty because my business is doing well and my friend is going through such a bad time so I’m too ashamed to be successful.”
There are lots of different versions of this story but it all boils down to the same thing, for some reason we are most comfortable giving ourselves an emotional beat down and then hanging on to our feelings of shame and guilt. These feelings lead to lower energy levels, short tempers, and behavior that doesn’t feel good. Why is it so hard for so many of us to let go of guilt? Here’s the deal with guilt; either use it to make some positive changes in your life or let it go! Hanging on to guilt can only hurt you and keep you from being better in all aspects of your life.
Don’t Hang on to Your Mistakes
It’s important to take responsibility for our actions but it’s not necessary to hang on to our mistakes for longer than it takes to decide how to do it differently next time. We can’t change the past but we can use the past to motivate us for the future. Guilt and shame are energy and motivation suckers. They keep us feeling weak, helpless, and hopeless. Is that really how you want to go through your day?
Is Your Thinking Sensible and Helpful?
So here’s what I’m suggesting, recognize when you are throwing yourself into guilt and shame. Stop the thought process and ask yourself why you are feeling this way. What’s your thought process around the issue and is your thinking sensible and helpful? If not, change it to something that is more beneficial and hopeful. Most likely you will have to do this many times in a row until your thinking starts to change to something more kind and more optimistic. Don’t give up!
Who is with me to stop the guilt/shame doom loop before the end of the year? Let me know how you’re doing or if you have any questions or concerns. Changing your mindset from one of guilt to one of hope will change how you feel about yourself and others, how you motivate to change behaviors you don’t like, and how you ultimately achieve your goals. My clients are plowing through this work like champions you can too!
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC
I wonder if guilt/shame are conditioned into some of us. Childhood traumas, like sexual abuse, introduce small innocents forcefully into the guilt/shame dynamic. I wonder if it somehow becomes ‘familiar’ and ‘accepted’ to the point where, hiding something shameful is just part of life. For me it was, for a very long time. I can say that guilt/shame was eating away at my core and I didn’t realize it until many loop cycles had run and much damage was done.
So grateful that the repair work is positive and strengthening. No more shame cycles!
Carol, I do think conditioning is the problem. We become conditioned to chaos, unhappiness, stress, etc, and then that is all we know and we somehow become comfortable in it. Changing the conditioning is key to recovery, feeling better, and true happiness. So glad to hear about your repair work!